


Yes, Sir

by Minhoe



Category: NCT (Band), SMTown
Genre: Army, Battlefield, M/M, Military!au, Multi, War, Weapons, taeyu, yeah good luck figuring out what the helli did here, yutae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-07-27 16:53:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7626502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minhoe/pseuds/Minhoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Infantry Corps of NCT had only the best of the best - they weren't compromising when it came to training. They had one special most important job - to defend the North County from the Dongjis. Their elite unit was categorized as #127.</p><p>It's not easy being a soldier. It's not easy to watch your friends risk their lives. But sometimes, enlisting was worth it. </p><p>Yuta knows Taeyong was worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. R-127 - The Special Infantry Corps' regiment

**Author's Note:**

> Will go up in rating in the following chapters.

When the new dictator of Venin rose to rule the land, he dominated the civilians of Venin and rooted terror across the state. Farms and villages were destroyed, taxes have been taken more frequently and the majority of the Venians suffered from great poverty.

There were only few thousands of people who enjoyed the benefits of being the king’s favorites. They were called The DongJi ancestry. Most of the Dongji’s men helped the king as his military force, to subdue the other civilians.

 

It wasn’t until a decade after the dictator appointed his authority when the Venians threw over his rule.

It was overwhelming, bloody and misery that took place at the Donji’s region. And riots started all over the country when the news spreaded -

 

The king is dead.

 

And of course, as the Dongji’s beloved ruler was now gone, they decided to imigrate outside Venin, for that they are not the authority’s favorites anymore - they were considered criminals and enemies of the Venians, and they were no longer wanted.

They traveled south, to the closest territory they could reach. It was the land of SuMan. SuMan was departed into 4 main counties - North, South, West and East.

As the Dongji’s were already just few kilometers away from the border of SuMan, the country decided to send a military force to hold back the Donjis.

 

It wasn’t easy. The Dongjis fought back, trying to make their way into the SuMan land and be free from the Venians - and they did it. The border was down, and the Dongjis started to flood the North County.

The SuMan military force had suffered many losts, and barely made it back to their homeland to stop the intruders from spreading to the other counties.

 

At last, the military could finally ambush the Dongjis, and started to force them back to the North County, away from the rest of the counties as possible.

Now, the North was infested by Dongjis. The military had to make sure they won’t break through into the other counties, so they built a wall, that prevented from the Dongjis to have any contact with the rest of the SuMan districts.

 

But of course, to every good plan there is a downside. The North was still populated with SuMan settlements and people.

So how are they going to protect those settlements from the Dongjis?

 

After a long process, The SMA was established - SuMan Army. The SMA included inside itself paratroops, armored corps, infantry corps, and air force.

 

All of the brigades inside those corps received special training. They developed new weapons to use against the riots of the Dongjis at the border of the North county with the 3 remaining counties.

Another mission of the SMA, was to protect the original SuMan settlements at the North. It required a different type force and strategy.

Therefore, under the supervision of the SMA, The SMSF - SuMan Special Forces - was launched. It was later changed into the name Neo Culture Technology; NCT, for their advanced militant weapons and technology.

 

Under the NCT, there was one top regiment, that was classified as “Regiment #127”.

R-127  places itself at the three main cities that were built by the Dongjis illegally at the North - that was now called Dongji Region - those main cities were the primary threat over the SuMan villages.

The cities were called NaBi, YongChin, and OgKae, with YongChin being the largest of them.

 

R-127 fought many wars inside the North, and at great risks and losts. All that, only to protect the SuMan citizens that were left behind and now are threatened by the Dongjis on a daily basis.

 

It wasn’t rare to hear about another mass murder a Dongji did on the name of his people, they even tried to burn down the SuMan villages one by one. Once, a teenage Dongji even broke into a young family’s house, and slaughterd the mother in front of her children, as she was trying to protect them. The R-127 came in too late to save her life.

Another common action caused by the Dongjis is attacking the infantry corps at the border with improvised weapons, trying with all they have to break through. The NCT upgraded their armored force and increased the number of tanks, creating the Border Armored Troop - X.O.

 

“They are determined,” spoke the NCT commander, Lt. General Moon Heejun. “But they will not break our spirit.”

 

\------

 

“Hey, um, where is the registration office?” Yuta asked the armed soldier at the SMA Headquarters building.

As everyone his age, he had to enlist to the military. Although they are not forced into a combat unit, Yuta decided to try and be accepted into the R-127. Luckily, he was in a good shape and loved his country - so, by those thoughts of will to protect his people at the North, he made his way to the registration office the soldier pointed at.

 

His enlistment day finally arrived. And he is going to be a fighter at the elite troop of NCT.

 _“Why? Why 127?” His mother’s voices was cracking, and he could see tears pooling at her eyes. “You can be an excellent soldier at the management corps, why would you go into the North?”_  
_“I just do, okay? And they want me, too. I can’t give up on this opportunity, mom.” Her tears were now traveling down her cheeks as she hugged her son tight. Yuta brought his hands up to embrace her as well._ _  
“Just promise me you’ll be safe.”_

 

Yuta shook his head to get rid of this memory from last month, when he was informed he is being recruited into the R-127, along with his enlistment date.

Yuta stepped into the office, which was actually a large room filled with other guys his age, all of them carrying their recruiting sheets. He took out from his pocket his own sheet, making his way towards the guy that was sitting on the floor with their belonging, dropping his kitbag next to them and then flopping down.

“Hey,” One of them said. “What’s up?”  
“I’m good.” Yuta smiled. “How are you guys?”  
“Same. I’m Jaehyun, I think we met at the sorting day few weeks ago.” the guy with the raven hair said, stretching his hand towards Yuta.  
“Yeah, I remember you. Kinda.” Yuta shook his hand. “I’m Yuta.”

 

He kept talking to the group of guys that was formed somehow, even though niether of them knew each other from before. _So this is what my sister was talking about when she mentioned soldier fellowship_ , Yuta thought.

 

About 20 guys crowded the room with their kitbags, chatting and waiting for someone to tell them what’s next.

 

“I don’t get it,” Hansol spoke. “They told us to be here at 7, it’s already 9, what are they waiting for?”

“Maybe it’s a test? They’ll make us wait here nine month, and whoever makes it, gets into DongJi.” Doyoung joked.

 

With a loud, shrieking whistle, all the boys stood up, alarmed by the noise.

“Good morning recruits!” a tall man with a cap and dark sunglasses stood at the doorway, his hands folded over his chest.

 

“You are now going into the most intense 9 months of your entire terribly boring lives. I am Sergeant Sehun, and this is the last time you’ll hear my name or mention it. From now on I’m Sir for you, and Sir only. Was I clear?”

 

The boys looked at each other, confused.

 

“I asked _was I clear_ ?!” His yelled at them, still not breaking out of his steady position. The recruits screamed back _Yes Sir!_ And with another whistle, the commander motioned them to follow him suit.

Startled, the recruits picked up their kitbags and walked outside the room to wherever the commander was heading, giving away their sheets to a short female soldier that stood at the door, smiling at them.

 

\------

 

More yelling, this is how Yuta could summarize the first day at the SMA Headquarters. They were yelled at when they received their uniform, they were yelled at when they didn’t run fast enough to the bus that was waiting to drive them to the training base, they were yelled at even when they were talking to each other at the bus.

 

“I don’t want to  hear a sound until we get to the base. Am I clear?”

“Yes Sir.” They chanted. The commander sat down at the front row next to the driver, looking back once in awhile to make sure the recruits know their place. When Doyoung coughed, the commander stood up and grabbed him by the collar of his new uniform.

“I thought I said I don’t want to hear a sound.”

Doyoung only gulped, trying to look away but his grip on his collar only tightened.

 

“You may not know that yet, but you’re all not just _recruits_ , you are _mine_. You are _all mine_ , and you will obey. I believe in obedience and discipline in the hard way. Trust me, You’ve seen _nothing_ yet.”

 

And Yuta could only wonder what the hell he got himself into.

 


	2. Breaking point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you can't take my pace then you should not be here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourself for a long ass chapter.

The bus was very unstable on the road, and Yuta thought it might fall apart any minute. The wheels vibrated over the gravel, making everything attached to the vehicle shake as well. The heat was unbearable, no air conditioning whatsoever, the windows are screwed into the frame. Earlier one of the guys said it’s a bulletproof bus, therefore most of the effort they don’t put in proper a/c, they put in structuring a double-impenetrable glass. 

 

“My hair is crying for help.” The guy that sat next to Yuta murmured, pushing aside a grey hair strand away from his forehead, soiled with sweat. They were sitting at the last row, trying to have straight face so the commander won’t notice they were chatting.   
“Tell me about it. How can Commander Sehun sit so freely like that? He doesn’t even seem to sweat.” They both tried to crane their neck to see any signs of him being uncomfortable, but to no avail.     
“Well, he _ is _ a combat fighter after all, i’m pretty sure he is already used to all this kinda shit.” 

“I heard he was originally at the X.O border patrol.”

“No way- wait, sorry I totally forgot your name.” The other guy then looked at Yuta, half smiling.   
“Yuta. And you’re Taeyong.”   
“Yeah. Your memory is pretty good.”   
“Dude, we met just thirty minute ago.” Taeyong just smiled dumbly, another droplet of sweat made its way from his hair down his temple. He then sat back and exhaled from his mouth, gulping and closing his eyes to distract himself from the heat.

 

Yuta took the chance to observe him. He was lean, his skin was very light and flawless, maybe except for the scar next to his right eye. Yuta couldn’t really believe this guy actually got accepted to an elite combat unit - it seems like he never stepped out of his room or something. He guessed he would probably find out his skills at the training base when they will get there. Eventually. Sometime soon. Maybe. 

 

\------

 

If the guys thought the bus was a sauna, then the training base was a volcano. As soon as the commander motioned them to get off the bus, they skipped off of it and stood in two straight lines in front of Sehun, that obviously still maintained an emotionless face. 

They were standing in the middle of literally nowhere, only few massive camouflaged containers stood at the top of a hill. The area around looked like a desert, with few dry plants located in random spots. At the other side of the hill, they could see some military vehicles and what seemed like a building.

 

“Attention recruits!” The commander yelled, making them scream back another  _ Yes, Sir.   _ He marched beside them, hands on his hips and sunglasses still fixed over his eyes. “We are going to run. Nice, light run just to see what you are made of.” Sehun then stood right in front of Doyoung, who stood at the beginning of one of the lines. “How fast can you run, private Doyoung?” The commander had lean down a little to get to Doyoung's eye level.

“As fast as you decide, Sir.” He breathed out, avoiding any eye contact with the sergeant.

“Good damn answer.” Sehun half-smiled and straightened himself. “On the top the hill there are two water containers with 2 gallons each. When I’ll give the order to start running, two of you will run on the top of the hill to get them and will join us after. Am I clear?” 

“Yes, Sir!” Another synced chant was heard. 

“Six kilometers, starts now.” He whistled, and the recruits started to run after him.

 

They didn’t had the time to decide who’s getting the water, so Yuta decided to run there himself - he will catch up with the others later. Behind him, he noticed another recruit running with him towards the hill.    
“Looks like we are the only volunteers.” The other guy, Johnny, said with a tired smile, catching up with Yuta’s speed.   
They took the containers as soon as they got there, which were ready on a table with straps on them. The recruits put them on their backs and made their way back to the team, seeing them distancing.

 

Yuta never thought he would be in such situation. He felt like he should put his body on autopilot and go to sleep for the next nine month of the training. The sand under his feet tried to swallow every step he made, making him put extra power in every move he did. Johnny and him were starting to catch up with the others, attaching themselves pretty casually at the back of the two rows. The water shook in the containers, bouncing inside its plastic cage.

 

\------

 

Running is stupid. So stupid. 

The recruits were already at the 4th kilometer, forcing themselves to drag their feet over the sand, the boots they were given were extremely heavy and unfamiliar. Their camouflaged uniform looks pretty useless in the area they were at, looking like mobiled plants instead of disguised soldiers.

The back of their shirts were already damp from sweat, and the containers on Johnny and Yuta’s back weren't making it any less worse.

 

Everyone were so amazed by the commander. He kept up with the same pace for the past thirty minutes, only droplets of sweat that soaked his hat indicated the heat started to affect him as well.

 

Without a warning, the commander stopped at once, startling Doyoung who was just behind him, barely stopping himself from colliding with Sehun.

The entire group stopped too, trying to aline themselves into two rows, some trying to catch their breath with their hands leaning over their knees.

It was very obvious the commander isn’t immune to this intense exercising as they first thought, his sunglasses were slipping down his damp nose, and it looked like he took a shower with the hat on.

He made sure to observe each recruit separately. Some were dead-tired, not realizing they are barely near the end of this run. Yuta was panting, short inhales and exhales reached and escaped his mouth in quick puffs of air. The strap over his left shoulder was digging into his flesh through his uniform, and he tried to adjust it without making his movements too visible.

 

“It’s been thirty-three minutes since we started running.” he spoke up, his hands resting on his hips. “and none of you even considered stopping and offer to carry the containers as well.” the commander threw his chin in a motion that implied he was talking about Yuta and Johnny’s strapped water containers.

“You see, I told you I'm going to be rough and not very nice. But I'm not expecting  _ you _ to be the same.”

Yuta was taken aback from the commander’s words, not really paying attention to the guy in front of him that motioned with his hand for Yuta to take off the container.

“You have ten seconds - which are five seconds too much, to switch volunteers. Go.” Commander Sehun started to countdown loudly.

Taeyong quickly grabbed the container Yuta handed him just as he was told, feeling like an entire rock dropped from his back. He sighed in relief as well as Johnny, who gave his to Ten, another recruit the stood few steps ahead of them.

When Sehun reached ‘one', they were all standing in their place at the rows.

 

“We have two more kilometers. You're going to make it to the end in ten minutes. I'm not stopping, nor slowing - if you can't take my pace then you should not be here.”

 

With those words, the commander turned his back to them, adjusting his direction of running after he checked the compass in his watch.

The recruits ran after him, his worryingly honest speech from a minute ago really made them question the reasons they chose to enlist to R-127. Maybe it really was  _ too _ much, maybe they should've listen to their parents. If they can barely make a six kilometer run in the first day - who knows what will break them afterwards, when the training will get more and more advanced in its intensity. 

 

\------ 

 

Even from being at the back of the row, Yuta could definitely see the camouflaged containers they first saw when they got off the bus near that same hill. Sehun started to slow down, until he stopped completely right before he got on the gravel track that led straight up the hill.

He checked his watch. Every one of the recruits stared at him concerned.

“private Taeil, can you read the time on my timer?” He gestured the recruits to get closer.

Taeil took few steps forward, standing straight as the commander pointed his shining black watch.

 

“Ten minutes and twelve seconds, sir.”

 

They all expected Sehun to say something, but he just stood there, emotionless as when they first met him.

 

\------

 

Doyoung is fucked. 

Not only the idiot took on himself the blame (for no actual reason) and got yelled at by Sehun for a good seven minutes straight, the commander ordered him to run two more kilometers by himself as a punishment.

 

They were all allowed to sit on the ground and drink from the water supply in the containers, some even poured a little over their heated heads.

“What the fuck was he thinking?” Jaehyun followed Doyoung as the punished soldier was dragging his tired legs, making the third out of ten laps around the hill. 

 

“Hey,” Yuta patted Taeyong’s shoulder, “Thanks for switching, I thought I should've ran with it till the end and-”

“It's alright. You heard what the commander told us, we need to help each other out.” and Taeyong half smiled again.

Yuta was pretty impressed by the latter. Even though Yuta was a soccer player at home and used to run a lot, this exercise was cutting over his limits. Taeyong on the other hand, looked pretty much fine. The fact that he just ran for six kilometers was implied by his sweaty skin and hair only.

 

They heard a whistle from behind them that startled them all, making them stand up in rushed movements.

 

“So you were probably wondering where are you guys going to sleep.”

 

\------

 

“Johnny and Hansol, since you're the tallest I need you guys to hold the waterproof sheet when we'll finish with structuring the metal base of the skeleton.” Taeyong was shooting responsibilities all over the place, drawing a sketch with his finger on the sand. When the commander pointed the camouflaged containers and said  _ there _ , they all realized they are going to build  _ something.  _

Taeyong took the lead, and nobody objected. He was explaining in details to everyone what to do and how. Almost everyone.

“And lastly, Doyoung,” the soldier joined them shortly after he finished his laps. “Just sit there and pretend you're pretty.”

“Come on, I can help too.”

“Um, no, you just ran eight kilometers straight, you need to rest and have some water.”

Like an ungrateful child, Doyoung stomped his way off the construction site, the water container in his hands.

 

It was pretty overwhelming to see a soldier treating his team mate like  _ that _ , but Yuta knew it was because Taeyong does care about Doyoung. He even felt a little guilty himself for not responding to Doyoung’s will to help the same way.

 

\------

“I'm begging, kill me, kill me now.” Jaehyun was making dying noises, clutching his uniform as well as the guy who sat beside him’s sleeve. “I think I ate someone's eyeball.”

 

It's needless to say dinner was absolutely and terrifyingly disgusting.

 

“I think my meat isn't completely dead.” Johnny poked the  _ thing _ in his plate with his plastic fork, flinching back when the  _ thing _ started to jiggle. “Or at least possessed.”

“Yeah, I'm going to compromise eating just the rice for nine months.” Yuta added, trying to shoo the  _ thing  _ away from his actual edible food.

“I think this is our will to live,” Ten pointed at it. “Or Sehun's mercy, not sure yet. But it's dead for sure.”

 

\------

 

It’s been a month since they arrived their so-called base, being put into 20 hours straight of activity each day was exhausting and way too overwhelming - so overwhelming that one of them just bursted into tears one day declaring he doesn’t want to be a combat soldier.    
None of them could blame him.   
When he finally packed his stuff and took the bus to the nearest city - Yuta couldn’t say he wasn’t jealous of him at all.

Last week they started learning about the weapons they will be using and training with soon, the commander sketching on a blank piece of paper in the middle of their tent, and trying to stay awake was in prior.   
It’s not that it wasn’t interesting - all of them were really fascinated by the complex yet simple way to operate the machines.

 

Yet, with all the hardships and sweat and back pain and missing home, Yuta knew he chose to be here for a reason. While he looked around at everyone complaining and weeping over their non-stop tormenting sessions, he realized that he is not here for himself.

How can he cry when few kilometers ahead there are murderers threatening his land and people? How can he complain when there are SuMans who can’t even leave their houses while he can quit any time he wants? How can he miss home when there are people whose theirs were taken away?

He can’t blame any one of the recruits for trying to distract themselves from what is about to happen next. 

  
When Taeyong kept taking the lead in each mission they were given, he couldn’t think about anything other than how the hell can he have so much energy to take care of everything and everyone. He is really a born leader - or whatever this is called - and from all the other recruits Yuta thinks he and Taeyong has the most in common.

 

Jaehyun once called him a “patriotic maniac”. He knew he said it as a joke when Yuta commented about the latter being a cry baby over the most simple things - But if him being worried about the North county makes him a patriot - then so be it.

 

\------

 

At the end of another long day, around midnight, they were allowed to return to their tent to shower and settle down in approximately 20 minutes.    
Yuta was still arranging his sleeping bag when Taeil took out a picture from under his pillow.   
“Is that your girlfriend?” Yuta asked curiously, observing the girl in the picture that had an adorable smile on her face while putting her arm around Taeil. “She is very pretty.”   
“Yeah, Wendy. We’ve been together since eleventh grade.” He said in a bitter smile. “It’s the longest period of time I haven’t spoke to her.”   
“What does she think about you being here?” Yuta set down in front him on the sleeping bag he just opened.   
“She said she is happy I’m doing what I want, but- do you know this really sarcastic voice girls use when they are lying? Then this is exactly how I felt she said it.” He sighed. “I didn't say anything to her about it. I didn’t want to fight with her over it.” Taeil put down the picture again under the pillow. “Is there someone at home waiting for you too?”   
Yuta snorted. “No.” 

 

They were all standing in a straight line in the tent when the commander looked around and between them for any unusual (or imaginary) instruments in their residence.   
“Attention recruits.” He said, not yelling this time. “I know it’s almost 1 a.m, but I decided that due to your high maintenance in this training, you deserve something to keep you going.” Sehun then turned to the exit of the tent and motioned something with his hands, and a management soldier entered with a jute sack, containing metal or plastic objects by the sound of rattling it made.

“You’re allowed to make one phone call to whoever you want. You have ten minutes.”   
They were handed their personal cellphones they gave away on the first day at the SMA Headquarters - they were all fully charged now, the screens lighting up were accompanied with angels orchestras, Yuta  _ swears _ they do.

 

“Mom.” Yuta spoke first when a sleepy _ hello? _ Answered. He was sitting down hill, near the gravel trail, the metal object clenched against his ear as he looked down and stared at the sand.   
“Oh  _ honey _ ! You’re finally allowed to call! How are you? Are you eating well? Are you hurt? How are the other recruits? Do you-”   
“Mom, please.” He murmured with his bottom lip trembling. “Everything is alright. I’m alright. I want to hear about you guys.” He could feel his entire face heating up as soon as he heard his mother’s voice.    
  


It’s the first time since he came here that Yuta cried. He haven’t realized how much he misses his old simple life at home, his parents, his sisters. It has been just a month and through his entire stability during the physical training, he was pushing aside his emotions. The tears just wouldn’t stop, and for a moment a voice screamed at him from inside his head -  _ tell her you don’t want to be here, go home, this is too hard -  _ But he greeted his teeth to prevent from himself to say it.   
“I have to go mom,” He shakily sighed, wiping his puffy swollen eyes. “I love you. Tell dad as well.”    
“Me too honey. Please promise me you’ll stay well.”

 

\------

They were all suited in their sleeping bags, Taeil ranting about how he couldn’t decide between calling home or his girlfriend. Johnny was a little pissed he had to make an expensive overseas call, but he looked a lot more relaxed after talking on the phone with his father. Everyone looked so happy. It really did helped most of them to shake off the complains and focus on getting home as fast as they could.

 

It was around two in the morning when Yuta woke up. He doesn’t know why, but he just did. Taeil was sleeping on his right, Jaehyun across from him - but the spot to his left was empty. He rose up and made his way tiredly to the entrance. The air outside the sleeping bag was cool against his body, his toes curling in the ground as he lazily peaked his head outside the tent, the wind that brushed over his hair and face made it even colder than it already was - the desert’s weather never fails to surprise him with the temperature differences during day and night.

 

He noticed immediately the figure that sat few meters away from the tent, head tucked between his hands that were laying over his folded knees. 

Yuta could see Taeyong’s shoulders shake repetitively. He could also hear quiet sniffs and soft shaking whimpers.

When Yuta finally called his name, Taeyong pulled his head up alerted, looking at him blankly as he made an attempt to dry the tears with the back of his hand.

 

“Why are you here? It's too cold.” Yuta crossed his arms tight over his chest, trying warm his arms as he approached the latter.”Besides, you should get some sleep, we need to wake up in like three hours.”   
  
“I'm fine, really.” Taeyong only looked the other direction, his hands now hugging his knees to his chest - it was visible he was cold as well.   
  
“But you just... cried.” He than sat down next to him, trying to find any indication for facial expression from Taeyong.   
  
Taeyong chuckled, but didn't smile. “Well i'm not as strong as you are I guess.”   
  
“Strong?”   
  
“I'm not patriotic maniac like you, truely sorry to tell you.” 

 

Yuta was taken aback by this statement. He just kept looking at Taeyong, blinking stupidly as he tried to figure out why his fellow soldier was acting like that.

They kept sitting on the sand outside the tent.   
  
“My dad didn't answer.” Taeyong finally broke the silence, sighing. “I don't know why but it just broke me.”   
  
“I see.”   
  
“No, you don't  _ see _ . I just can't be strong for everyone anymore.”   
  
“Everybody really appreciates what you're doing for us. All of us here are exhausted. But we just have to push forwa-”   
  
“I'm not like you, okay? I can't take this anymore!” his voice started to crack, eyes shining again with tears. 

“I just want to beat Sehun down when he yells. I just want to make Jaehyun shut up sometimes. I just want to kick Doyoung every time he mess up, and make  _ you _ stop preaching when someone's having a hard time.”

 

Silence fell again upon the two. The wind was whistling on their ears and the sound of the tent’s covering sheet dangling along with it was all they could hear.

Yuta know he should be offended, but he also knows he shouldn't be surprised.

But hearing it from Taeyong is what made it click in his head - even the greatest waves break on the shore, and they always break the hardest.

He didn't know if Taeyong really realized how much he looks up to him as a soldier.   
  
“I cried when I heard my mother's voice.” Yuta confessed. “I miss her so much.”   
  


Taeyong was playing with the sand with his fingers, letting the dry particles fly away from his grip to the air. He sniffed again, still not making eye contact.

  
“If you think i'm not suffering here cause I got this  _ patriotic _ image tagged all over my face then you're wrong. But I tell myself - hey, it could be worst. I always remind myself that tomorrow we are just one day closer to getting home.” Taeyong finally looked at him, eyes locked. “I  _ want _ to scream from the top of my lungs that this training is bullshit and run back home but I  _ don't _ . We can cry, sure,  but eventually we are here for our country  _ and _ ourselves. Don't you want to prove yourself you can be an excellent squad leader when we'll get in the battlefield? That you can get into the commanding course? You might even be an officer.”

 

Taeyong let a small half-smile appear over his whipping expression.    
  
“I know i'm a pain in the ass because i'm preaching. But I do it because I want everyone to see what they are worth. And from all of us? You worth the most, and  _ don't try to deny that _ .” Yuta pointed accusingly at the latter, who was obviously parting his lips to reply the opposite.   
  
“Now please,” a hand was gestured towards Taeyong as soon as Yuta stood up. “Do yourself a favor and go back to sleep so we can regenerate for tomorrow?”   
  
Taeyong sniffed one last time, and grabbed Yuta’s hand. “Okay.”   
They both started making their way back to the tent, when Taeyong’s hand circled Yuta’s wrist.    
  


“Yuta?” He was practically mumbling. “Thank you.”   
  
“We'll just watch eachothers back. We're in the same team after all.”   
  
“Deal.”   
  
\----------

 

“This little fiery friend,” Commander Sehun tapped lightly on the black shotgun that was laid before him. “is the AA12 - Atchisson Assault Shotgun.”

They were all sitting at their tent, neat and clean (as much as it could be in the middle of the desert). Sehun finally introduced them the weapons they are going to shoot with today.

Yuta was really excited for the first shooting training. Everyone actually were really enthusiast about finally learning how to shoot for real and not just theoretically, but Yuta literally chewed Taeyong’s ear off from talking so much about it.

 

“This assualt shotgun is imported from the US, is very light, and can fire two dozens of bullets within just four seconds. Disadvantages? The cartridge is too big and clumsy. To carry a lot of ammo will be putting too much weight you.”

 

“The next baby is MTAR-21 - Micro Tavor Assault Rifle of the 21st century. Or just Micro, if you want to avoid saying this name.” Sehun then took out of  _ somewhere _ another shotgun and put it in front of the team. By the way he held it, it was obvious it was lighter than the AA12.

“It is imported from the Middle East and probably the rifle you are going to use the most. It's tiny, easy to operate and carry around.”

 

“But the real deal is AMG-127 - Advanced Machine Gun #127.” Sehun was barely able to lift the enormous metallic machine to present it to them. “This is a general purpose machine gun, that with the right user can cut a standing man in half from a distance of 800 meters.” 

 

All over the handle was minted the sentence  _ manufactured by Neo Culture Technology Military industrials. _

 

“Stop drooling, it's just a shotgun.” Taeyong elbowed Yuta, trying to get the latter to stop staring at Sehun in such amazement. 

“I can't help it.” Yuta smiled, but of course got yelled at for talking. 

“Private Yuta get on your hands and give me ten.” 

Not doubting his commander for a second, the recruit got down on his hands and legs and started doing the first push-up

“One, Sir.” he breathed out, counting his push ups just as the commander told to do.

“Two, Sir.”

“I can't hear you.”

“Three, Sir!”

“Are you a girl!? I can't hear it!”

“Four, Sir!”

 

Yuta was screaming the loudest he could when he finally reached the last push-up.

He was allowed back in his spot next to Taeyong.

“I hate you.”

\---------

 

Now that they had their personal cellphones back, the break they had for organizing and showering got ten minutes longer. 

In those extra minutes, Yuta and Taeyong spent most of it to get to know each other.

Yuta was scrolling through his gallery, showing some pictures Taeyong asked to see.

“This is my little sister Hina. She is just in high school.” Yuta pointed at the shorter girl that stood beside him in the family photo. It was taken last year at Yuta’s graduation ceremony. “And my older sister is Sakura. She was a management officer at the SMA Headquarters and got discharged a week before it was my turn to enlist.”

“An officer, huh?” Taeyong was quite impressed.

“A  _ management  _ officer. I think she have been to DongJi only once. And it was by mistake, too.”

 

Taeyong laughed, looking back at the family photo that was still stretched over the screen. They look like a nice big family.

“Well?” Yuta said, reaching for Taeyong’s cellphone and handing it to him. “Aren't you going to tell me about your family? I'm kinda sick about asking everyone but you.”

Taeyong sighed and grabbed his phone, unlocking the screen.

“That's it. Me and my dad.” on the screen, a picture of Taeyong and another man - who looked just like Taeyong only a bit older.

Yuta took the phone again and zoomed in.

“Stop it this is embarrassing.” 

“Is he your clone?”

“He wishes.”

“You look identical, this is disturbing.”

“He is my  _ dad _ , what can I say.”

 

Yuta decided not to ask about his mother.

 

\---------

 

Another two weeks passed. They were in the middle of another shooting training session when the commander lifted his palm and closed it, signing to his recruits to hold fire.

The nineteen soldiers pulled their gunlock just as they were taught with the Micro. 

 

At the so called “break”, they were introduced with another fighting gear they were less familiar with.

“This is a torso bulletproof vest. Other than protecting your damn organs from  _ bullets,  _ it can hold within its pockets all the ammo and water you need for at least three days of fighting.”

 

Each was given a personal vest, their initials written in messy handwritten letters. 

They were told each vest was specifically costumed to their body weight and mass - about fifty percent of your weight, including a helmet and an extra cartridge.

They were all putting on the vests with bitter groaning, the new weight made them adjust its straps clumsily.

 

For some reason, when Yuta reached out to pull the vest off the floor, it was way heavier than he expected. It took two of his arms and few grants to lift it onto himself. 

Perhaps he grew weaker? Yuta felt embarrassed struggling so much with the vest, for that he was the last one to adjust it over his upper body.

The new feeling of wearing a vest this massive is absolutely torturing. It fitted great, but the new weight on his shoulders and back felt like  _ crushing _ .

 

“Are you alright?” Taeyong waited Yuta before they exited back to the shooting range.

“I'm fine.” He sounded irritated. “If this is half of my weight I should seriously consider a diet.” He hissed as he adjusted the weight over his right shoulder, wiping a trail of sweat that formed on his forehead. Taeyong just snorted a  _ yeah, right _ and jogged clumsily back to his place, the commander already signing Yuta to grab his Micro back and get into basic loading position.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO.  
> It took only a week and half plus polling all-nighters to finish this one, and it's not even half of what I had in mind, so I decided to divide it.
> 
> Good luck figuring out what I was blabbering about for more than 5k, because writing military terms in english when its not your first language is hARD.
> 
> Toodles.


	3. "Just up the hill."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: A bit of smut at the end. Sorry not sorry.

 

As a new day started, the recruits were already running at the view of the dawn, the chilling air of the night was subsiding as the sun beams made their way to the sand, warming it up under the heavy boots that were running on top of the yellow ground. The nineteen fresh-recruited soldiers were holding tight at their shotguns, making their way up the hills of the training base, repeating orders they were given again and again by the commander, who was running at the front.

The vests though, were the main problem in this exercise. They had to learn how to maintain balance and get used to the amount of extra weight it was putting on their backs. The vest made them much slower at first, but after a few days they started to regain the speed they had before they were assigned any fighting gears, including the light MTARs and AA-12s.

Well, everyone did, except for one soldier, who kept falling behind in any exercise that involved any body equipment. 

Yuta didn’t know what was wrong with him - he was one of the fastest runners among the recruits alongside with Johnny, but the weight started to take a toll on him.

It was frustrating. Why is he so weak? Why can’t he breathe properly? Everyone looks so calm when they put on the bulletproof vest, but for him it’s another agonizing process that would eventually make him want to scream from the pressure on his spine. 

“Good job, recruits.” The commander commented the recruits on their morning exercise, Yuta barely making it in time to the two straight lines, shuffling behind the last row. He was breathing heavily, droplets of sweat making their way down his filthy face, leaving clean trails  form over his exhausted expression.

 

“Yuta,” he heard his name being called. “Are you alright?” Taeyong said quietly as they were ordered to load their Micros with ammo. Yuta just smiled widely and nodded, waiting for the latter to return an approving smile as well. When he did, Taeyong walked off to his spot at the shooting range, while Yuta painfully shuffled to his.

“Recruits,  _ take knee _ !” The commander shouted from his spot in the middle, kneeling alongside his recruits. He took a close look at each of the soldier’s posture, correcting them if they were in a wrong position.    
“Private Yuta, straighten your back, the blast from the shooting will knock you off your feet if you keep your posture like that.”    
“Yes sir.” Yuta murmured, trying his best to do as the sergeant told him without grunting. He eyed his target in the optic lense attached to the Micro’s metal body. The cardboard figures were standing there motionless -  _ he just needs to hit the head with all ten of his bullets _ \- that's what he said to himself in order to feel better about his lacking physical stability.

  
  


\------

 

It’s been a week since they were given their vests, and Sunday rolled by. Usually, at weekends, the commander would make up a schedule for the recruits to follow - not a time table or anything like that, but guarding shifts. They were divided into pairs, and it was only natural that Yuta and Taeyong would pair up for the shifts, exchanging high-fives when they were handed the distribution of the shifts, written on a notebook page by hand.

“I’ll repeat the guidelines for the shifts.” The commander announced, clearing his throat. “Each pair will be guarding at the entrance to the shooting range for five hours. No sitting, no putting down your gear - shotguns too -  No smoking, no eating, no nothing. Be alert to everything around you. Once in every few hours I’ll come check if you keep up with the rules.” He squinted his eyes towards Jaehyun and Doyoung - that were almost caught sleeping during their shift last week - and are now pretending they didn't notice commander Sehun’s suspicious eyes. “If anything happens, you got your VCRs with you. Any questions?”

“No sir.” they all chanted together.

“Dismissed.”

 

\------

 

Taeyong knew it was irrational, but he liked the shifts at the shooting range more than being in their ridiculously hot tent during the day. The guarding area included standing outside the range, under a hooded spot that was shadowed by a shed, with the wind blowing in their faces as the view of the desert was spreading across their sight. At the distance, they could almost see traces of the wall that separated the Dongji Region and the rest of SuMan’s Counties.

It was almost a culture shock to see the border this close - in a few months, they will finish their training, and will get in there on their own to join the regiment and fight alongside real fighters.

And of course, he always liked being paired up with Yuta. The latter just wouldn’t stop talking. Taking a shift with Yuta was almost like taking a child to the playground, everything just fascinates him and he can go on and on forever.

Yuta though, never even realized how much he speaks when he is on a guarding shift with Taeyong. He just do it because it makes time fly faster, and it’s distracting himself from the pain that shoots from his spine up his shoulders every once in awhile.

Taeyong doesn’t think they’ll ever run out of things to talk about. He already knows the latter was a soccer player before he enlisted, that he, of course, is not originally from SuMan.

Yuta on the other hand, knew almost nothing about Taeyong’s pre-military life. The picture of him and his father that Taeyong showed him the other day kept flashing in his mind,  the curiosity was tickling the tip of his tongue. He decided to use the fact that they are the first pair to guard this weekend to figure him out already.

 

“Do you mind if I’ll ask a dumb question?” Yuta asked almost halfway their shift. It was almost dinner time, and the sun started to settle in the west, behind the hills.   
“You already know I don’t.” Taeyong chuckled, tapping a familiar tune on his rifle out of boredom. 

Their eyes were then locked, and Yuta froze. How the hell is he going to phrase that question?  _ ‘Yo dude, are you orphan or what’ _ was definitely inconsiderable, but in any way he tried rephrase it, it came out even worse.   
“Um, never mind actually.”   
“Yuta.” Yuta blinked at the recruit next to him, unconsciously arranging the weight on his shoulders. “You can ask me anything, really.” Yuta only let out an extended exhale out of his nose, looking elsewhere. “Fine. You wanted to ask about my family didn’t you?”   
Yuta just nodded shamelessly.   
“You’re so predictable.” He chuckled again, smacking the latter’s back in a friendly matter, and Yuta just tried his best to avoid collapsing on the floor right in front of him.”My mom passed away when I was six.”   
“From what..?” Yuta was still hesitant.   
“Cancer.”   
They just looked at each other, Yuta chewing the inside of his cheek to distract himself again from the pain in his spine that was now reflecting to his tired knees.   
“Man, death really kills the mood, huh?” Taeyong was smiling now, scratching the back of his neck out of embarrassment. Yuta just looked at him with his eyebrows raised, until he burst in laughter, that resulted with both of them laughing like idiots.   
“I swear the pun was not intended.”   
“Liar.”

It was extraordinary to see how they communicated. With Taeyong already knowing what Yuta was thinking to himself, or how he would react about this and that - and vice versa; Yuta felt more comfortable to speak to Taeyong about almost anything, knowing he would always listen.

  
  


\------

 

It was Monday night when they were informed by the commander to take their belongings in their half-unwinded tent with them.

 

“A floor. I can't believe it, we have a floor.” Johnny threw his kitbag on the tiles, stomping on them to make sure he is not dreaming.   
All of the recruits entered the building as well, not really believing they were transferred into an actual structure, with walls and stuff.   
  
“And beds. Guys, we have beds.” It was Hansol’s turn to comment about the wonders of furniture, referring to the folding-beds (that were probably there since the DongJi first invaded) with the thin molding mattresses on top of them. “Did you see the showers too?”    
  
“No a/c, though.” Jaehyun, the lead crybaby, had to find a flaw in this amazing upgrade.   
  
“Yo, stop being such a pessimistic bitch, we have walls and doors now.” Johnny said as he smacked Jaehyun’s back lightly.   
“I heard the commander speak on the phone earlier.” Ten spoke up, trying to find a proper socket to charge his dying phone, “I think they will let us visit home for a weekend at last.”   
Jaehyun pouted. “I forgot what home is.”   
  
Taeyong sighed tiredly. “We are here for barely two months, there is no way they will let as out.”   
“‘ _ Barely _ ’? All the other soldiers in other  basic trainings leave after a month, so if someone deserves to be home it's us.” Johnny was now running for the title of the new leading crybaby. “Plus  _ look _ \- we are getting more freedom with each day that passes.”

“Yeah, but it only means the training is going to get a lot harder. What we were doing until now is just basic training for combat fighting.” Taeyong commented, looking for his stuff to get ready to the showers. “It’ll get so much worse, trust me.” This statement made Yuta gulp and almost choke off his own spit.   
  
“But Sehun gets lazier too.”   
  
“I don't think so.”   
  
“He stopped running and training  _ with _ us, now it's just yelling from where he  _ stands _ .” Jaehyun tried to imitate the way Sehun stands with his hands on his hips.   
  
“He already did it once  _ himself _ , why would he do it all over again with us.” Yuta said.   
  
“Wow, it's so weird to think the commander was a recruit once, too.” Johnny had an ‘ _ illuminati confirmed _ ’ expression smeared all over his face. “Can you imagine him being yelled at by  _ his _ commander?”   
  
“The weird shit is that he is just like one or two years older than us.” Doyoung said, making his way to the showers, leaving Taeyong and Johnny with dumbfounded feeling.

 

\-------   
  
“I just realized the break got ten minutes longer.” Johnny pinched Taeil’s cheek for attention.

“So?”

“More Wendy time.”

“Shut up.” He slapped the tall guy’s hand away. “I’m not the only one with a girlfriend here you know.”

“Yeah, but yours is the only pretty one.”

 

“Ahm,” Hansol cleared his throat excessively. “Mine’s alright.”

“This sentence  _ alone _ grants you a break up.”   
  


\--------

 

“Oh come on, we’re all guys here, it’s not like we don’t know what’s down there.” Johnny was teasing Taeil (again) about always showering in a swimming suit, let alone get in the showers after everyone leave. Taeil’s towel was hanging loosely on his waist, still not really feeling comfortable for this.   
“You really have no reason to be shy about this, I mean look around you.” Yuta said and gestured with his palm across the steamy room. “If I hadn't known any better I would’ve thought I ended up in a damn porno.”

“You wish you were in a porno.” Taeyong threw his empty shampoo bottle at Yuta.   
“My bucket list does not involve any naked men, trust me.”

“Taeil, really, if you’d just take off the towel we wouldn’t have been bothered by this so much.” Ten shouted from the farthest wall.   
  


“Ugh, fine. I  _ really  _ hate you guys.”

When the towel was put away, everyone just stared at Taeil.

 

“Dude what the fuck is that.” Johnny’s eyebrows rose up.

“Oh my god Taeil is that a hand?” Ten was tilting his head. “I thinks it needs to wear a watch.”

“Your girlfriend deserves a medal.” Jaehyun spat as his mind traveled into images he shouldn’t have gone to. Taeil just rolled his eyes and cursed the second he decided to listen to those idiots.   
“I think it’s taller than Yuta.” Doyoung said, earning a loud slap on the back of his neck from Yuta.

“I don’t want to be naked around you ever again.” Johnny said as he turned off the water, hiding himself behind his own towel as he made an attempt to leave the structure, to get away from this ego-killer.

“Yeah, in fact I’m going to send Wendy an edible arrangement as recognition of her talent right away.” Jaehyun said and tried to make his way out as well.

 

“This is exactly why I never listen to any of you.” Taeil mumbled and got under the spray.

“The bright side is,” Hansol spoke up as he finished washing and stepped out to get dressed, “More hot water for you now.”

 

Few minutes later, when they all finished and started to get dressed, Taeyong touched one of Yuta’s shoulders by accident - a purple one to be exact. Yuta just flinched back and stared at Taeyong, gripping his bruised shoulder out of instinct.

 

Taeyong noticed the bruises on his back and shoulders were _ way  _ darker and more serious than the ones he himself have. Unexceptionally, they all had scratches and bruises and wounds as a result from the intense training they were put into, but they were all very shallow in comparison to Yuta’s. 

“Yuta, are you sure you're alright?” Taeyong asked, eyeing another dark red bruise on his collar-bone.   
  
“Yeah, it's nothing.” He commented.   
  
“It's pretty dark, Y’know.”    
  
“It's fine I tell you.”   
  
“But the bruises looks serious.” He made an attempt to touch the skin on his back, that was rough and looked itchy. Once again Yuta flinched from the touch and slapped Taeyong’s hand away. “You really should tell the commander about those.”   
  
“I'm not telling him anything.” Yuta said when he eventually made his way back to their room. Everyone were already making their so-called beds - sleeping bags being spread over a thin mattress, that seemed like a cloud compared to the ground they had to sleep on until today.   
  


“You have to tell him, that's what he is here for.” Taeyong marched his way next to Yuta when he returned too, looking worriedly at his friend who was pretending to be occupied with organizing his stuff.   
  
“He doesn't need to know because it doesn't matter.”   
  
“You are just afraid he is going to kick you out from the regiment, don't you?” Taeyong asked rhetorically, not expecting Yuta to answer on a question like this. “Because you can't keep up with our pace.”   
  
“I said i'm fine!” He snapped, walking towards the exit with his phone in his hand, his shoulder colliding with Taeyong’s to make way.

 

“From all the people here, you had to tell  _ that _ to  _ Yuta _ . Smart.” Jaehyun spat from his spot on the nearest bed while he was scrolling through his texts, earning a towel being thrown at his face as a response.

 

The thing is, Yuta really  _ was _ struggling. Everybody noticed that the ambitious recruit started to fall behind when it came to the physical training, especially when it came to running. From being first in every short or long distance run, he was now reaching last, always half breathing and exhausted more than usual.

Taeyong was worried the intensity was starting to tire him and harm his health, but with Yuta’s stubbornness and denial he kept brushing off any concerns shown towards his struggle.

And of course he wasn't just tired. The bruises on his back, shoulders and chest were getting worse everyday. Everyone now worried that if he won't seek for medical treatment he might injure himself permanently, but Yuta didn't want to ask for this kind of help.

 

The commander always repeated that if they are in trouble or have a problem of any kind they can speak to him - formally, of course - and he'll try to see what he can do.

Hansol said that it's just a test, that his brother served in R-127 few years back and that they are just checking the recruits’ mental stability - how much they can  _ suck it up and walk it off _ , in his words. So, of course Yuta was terrified by the thought of being kicked out because he is a crybaby, and Taeyong couldn't blame him for this fear.

 

\------

 

Yuta’s eyes fluttered over his phone’s screen, his thumb making untouching circles over the bright green ‘dial’ button, the word “mom” written right above the green button. Eventually he groaned, unlocking the screen and tossing the phone lightly on the concrete ground he was sitting on just outside the door. His back was leaning against their new residence, observing over the hill they used to sleep on with that improvised tent for the past few weeks.

He is not a baby, he doesn’t his mother right now, and worrying her is the last thing he wants to do.

 

He is fine. He really is fine. Everything hurts and his muscles are  _ screaming _ but he is positive he is fine. He also know that tomorrow they will be tested by the commander. They are going to run few extra  kilometers and will be judged by him on their combat abilities, how well they operate the rifles and how good they function in an open field.

He can do it. But there is this part inside his head that keeps crying and screaming that he should quit, that he is not good enough like the others. Hell, maybe he shouldn't even be in R-127, or at any other Special Forces combat troop.

 

He remembered the first conversation he and Taeyong had during the first week, when Taeyong was crying quietly outside their tent, letting himself break apart secretly. He was so shocked seeing someone like Taeyong giving up to his struggles and fears. Yuta then promised himself that night he won't give up to  _ his _ fears, that he'll push forward until he's sweating blood.

 

A tear that formed at the corner of his eye made its way down his cheek, not even making it half way when his wiped it off on the back of his trembling hand.

_ Great, now i'm crying.  _ He thought to himself.   
  


“A smart guy told me once,” Yuta heard someone approaching to him, so he looked the other way. He doesn't have the mental energy to deal with Taeyong right now. “That  _ it could be worse _ .” Yuta snorted bitterly, eyes glossing. “He also told me it's okay to cry.”

“He doesn't sound very smart in my opinion.”   
Taeyong flopped down next to him, eyeing Yuta’s blinking lids, trying his best not to look in any actual direction; the whole scene seemed a whole lot familiar now.   
  
“I’m sorry I said... what I said.” Taeyong mumbled, still looking at Yuta, expecting some kind of reaction if at all, but the latter kept gazing somewhere else but Taeyong’s face.

“But,” He kept talking. “We did promise to keep each other’s back. Remember?”

Of course he remembers. 

“I’m not going to let you kill yourself gradually like that.”

“I’m not killing myself.”

“For now.”

With those words Yuta looked back at his friend, at Taeyong. He could see Taeyong had so much more to say, but he was biting his tongue just not to upset him, already familiar with Yuta’s stubborn mindset. Taeyong looked more afraid now than worrying, pupils shaking and lips pressed hard; it almost looked as if he was holding his breathe under water.   
  
Yuta was dumbfounded. Rather than making it easy on everyone for not complaining, he was burdening Taeyong, because that’s how Taeyong is; constantly worrying, looking after everybody’s needs and trying his best to make sure they are all safe and sound even in the smallest of things like eating, showering or sleeping. Ten once joked it feels like his mother enlisted with him. But Taeyong is not a mother; he is just a really good soldier.    
And there was something about Yuta that made him act more protective than he usually does. Perhaps, it was because Yuta was the only with some sort of self-destructing behavior, especially during  exercise or any type of physical training, pushing himself to the limit without noticing he is already hanging on the edge of the cliff.

Yuta is strong, everybody knows it. Taeyong knows it best. But it’s Yuta who figures he can’t be strong forever. Just as he realized it the night he and Taeyong bonded the first time.   
  
“What are you thinking about?” Taeyong interrupted Yuta’s train of thought, realizing he  was literally staring into Taeyong’s eyes this whole time. It could have been hours until he would snap out of those thoughts about his connection with the latter.   


“Did I ever told you I appreciate you?”   


Taeyong smiled. “Yeah.”   


“I’m hopeless, am I?”   


“Not if you’ll take care of yourself. I’m not going to drag your sorry ass off the sand when you collapse.” Taeyong said jokingly, both knowing he would probably cross oceans to help a teammate in trouble.    


“I promise I'll take care of myself.”   


“Another promise? I have way too many promises to keep with you.”   


“It’s only two, moron.”   


Taeyong then rose on his feet, batting onto his pants to clean the dust off of them, and then holding a hond out to Yuta. “Break is about to end, we should head back before the commander sees us.”    
Yuta grasped Taeyong’s palm, pulling himself up as Taeyong flexed his arm to give him contrasting force to stable himself on his feet. Instead of letting Yuta’s hand go, he instinctively pulled him into an embrace. It was a short one, just a weak tap on his back and then he was already pulling away with a grin, but it felt sincere. 

 

There is nobody in this team Taeyong cares about more than Yuta.

 

\------

 

Heavy exhales of air were pushed out of Yuta’s lungs with each step he made. It was Tuesday morning - or noon, none of the recruits could actually tell - but it was hot and humid, and sweat was soaking his already disgustingly soiled uniform. His boots felt like rocks laced to his legs, and the rifle was like a torturing necklace around his neck, doing his best to hold it still as he ran with the other recruits, all of them ahead of him by few meters.    
The vest he wore was extremely suffocating today - he probably put it wrongly this morning when he rushed to put it on as the commander whistled aggressively to wake them up at dawn, maybe even earlier - most of the weight was now hanging on his back instead of his torso, forcing him to make smaller steps and pain shot up and down his spine like a ping-pong match. 

Sweat was dripping from his hair down his forehead and eyebrows, breaching his eyelashes and making his eyes sting - sting until it  _ hurt _ \- and he tried to blink them away but it only made it worse. There was no wind to brush it off his face, the helmet he was wearing felt like a cage to his brain, and the  _ vest _ \- it just felt like a giant was grasping his body and squeezing around every vertebrae in his spine - he could probably count them if he wasn’t so much  _ in pain _ because of it.   
  
He felt a hand digging into his uniform, and he blinked his eyes as fast as he could to recognize Taeyong pushing him forward by his vest. He heard Taeyong groaning too as he did that. It was as if Taeyong reached out to pull Yuta out off his tornado of tortures. 

“Just up the hill, that’s your target.” Taeyong said, pointing at the top of the hill they were running towards. Yuta let out an agonized whine, the sweat in his eyes was blinding him momentarily and then he stepped in a pothole that was formed in the sand. He stumbled, but Taeyong was there to grab him by the elbow, preventing him to fall face first into the ground.   
  
Yuta could feel they were almost up the hill -  _ that’s your target -  _ his muscles on his back and shoulders felt like they were ripping apart, his knees were shaking and throat was dry from the heat - it felt like his body was betraying him, trying to kick and bite at every sensitive organ he had in order to bring him down.

 

It was when Yuta could see the other recruits running downhill, when his back gave up to the vest - the weight felt like _bone_ _crushing pain_ on his torso, and the air was pushed forcibly out of his lungs - and his vision blurred completely when he realized he can’t move, losing sight as he heard his name being called. 

Yuta collapsed on the ground with a heavy thud.

 

“Man down!” Taeyong screamed from the top of his lungs, voice raspy and a terrified expression all over his face. Frightened, the commander rushed back up the hill, pulling out his VCR to call for help.

 

\------

 

Yuta didn't know if he reached heaven or hell. He wasn’t even sure what exactly happened or how much time passed since then. He remembered he was running, and Taeyong was running with him. The soldiers were running too but - then it all cut short. 

But then he shifted, and he felt very much  _ Alive.  _ He could feel his hands. And his burning throat and his heavy eyelids.

Yuta figured he was lying horizontally on his back, and as he shifted again, a soft fabric was rubbing against his aching back. Under his head he felt even a softer material, and he breathed in - his chest expanded and then subsided with the exhale - there was light scent of bleach in the air, the temperature of the room -  _ room _ ? - was cool, and he shifted again, letting the soft fabric envelope him.

 

Few minutes passed when he finally decided to open his eyes - blinking at the florescent light that flashed like it was the damn  _ sun _ , and he tried to turn his neck towards the figure that was sitting next to a table, scribbling down something on a sheet. Yuta tried to sit up, but ended up groaning in frustration as he realized that his bruises brushed roughly against the comforter.

“Yuta,” It was a woman’s voice. “How do you feel?” The women marched from her place at the desk to where he was lying. He opened his eyes completely and looked around.

 

The room he was in was painted in white, and he could hear the air-conditioning roaring quietly in the background. Yuta stared at the woman who was standing next to his bed - she wore camouflaged uniform similar to his, but there was a shining triangle pinned to the collar of her shirt; an officer rank.

“What happened?” He asked, voice a little raspy from being asleep.

“You collapsed. Can you sit up, please?” She said nonchalantly, gesturing him to do as she said. 

Yuta sat up on the bed, only then realizing he was completely shirtless as the cool breeze of the air-conditioner hit his chest. Just his bottom half remained in his original uniform. The officer observed over his bruised back, eyes roaming over his wounded body.    
  
“I just can’t believe this Sehun, letting his soldiers train in this condition.” She muttered out, letting the pads of her fingers trail over his rough purple skin, and he hissed and flinched from the touch. “I’m sorry. I’m going to rub some alcohol on it, so it’s going to hurt a little.”   
  
_ A little  _ was an understatement.

 

\------

 

It’s been fifteen long minutes until the door to the clinic flung open with full force, revealing an out-of-breath Sehun, dragging a bulletproof vest  _ \- the vest -  _ behind him and barely pulling it aggressively to the corner of the room. He breathed out, and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. Compared to the clean walls of the room and the bright florescent lights, the commander looked dirty as if he just return from digging at the coal mines.

Before he could even look in Yuta’s direction he was ambushed by the medical officer, First Lieutenant Dr. Kwon Yuri.

“You are the worst commander the training company have ever had!” She yelled, her arms folded over her chest, a raging expression smeared all over her face. Frightened from her loud voice, Sehun clutched his chest and let out a quiet  _ holy shit Yuri _ . “Wait until I tell Lieutenant Joonmyun that you let a recruit under  _ your _ supervision run around with this torturing costume!”   


“It’s not my fault!” He gestured towards the two vests he was carrying. “The stupid managment soldiers gave him a  _ defective one _ !”   


“Well it’s still your responsibility to check ‘em before handing them to those young souls!”   


“ _ Young souls _ ? They are combat fighters, Yuri!”   
  
Yuta felt like he was third wheeling in the oddest way possible. They were talking about him and he is sitting on the bed  _ right there _ , blinking confusingly as the two exchanged blames.   
Eventually, after the long argument saga, Yuri turned back to Yuta and examined the bruises on his spine once again.    


“How long did you say you had those bruises?” She asked, a hand on her hip, her leg was tapping on the floor, waiting for the answer.    


“A-About a week?” Yuta gulped and looked his judging commander. “Sir.”   


“Why didn’t you tell me about it?!” the commander asked angrily.   


“Don’t blame it on him! With a commander like you he is lucky he can walk.”   


“Stop making me look like an executor!”    


Yuri was about to respond until she noticed Yuta’s confused expression, his eyebrows furrowed together in concentration to understand what was going on without breaking any rules with the commander’s presence.   
  
“Private Yuta,” She put a hand on his shoulder. “Can you get on the scale for a moment?”   
Yuta just nodded and hopped off the bed -  _ a terrible mistake he soon figured _ \- swallowing down a groan, standing on the sale as Yuri was looking carefully at the numbers.   


“57 kilograms.” She said.  _ He could swear he was above 60 before he enlisted. “ _ Now give me the damn vest.” Sehun sighed and dragged the vest once again as Yuta stepped off the machine, mouth slightly opened as even Sehun winced as he tried to lift the vest onto the scale.   


“What does it say here?” She pointed at the numbers.   
  
52 kilograms.   
  
“Does it seem like a normal weight to a vest? Hell, it was like he was carrying another person on his spine for an entire week. Plus, with a rifle and a helmet and extra ammo, it was probably over 55.”

 

\------

 

“So, you’re not a pussy after all?” Jaehyun just had to comment about it as soon as Yuta was allowed back to the residence later that day, joining his teammates at their night break.   


“Leave him alone.” Johnny said, landing a loud slap on the back of his head. “If it was you, you’d probably fall apart the minute you were given the defective vest.”   


Before Jaehyun and Johnny start another unnecessary fight, Yuta just flopped on his bed, that was not similar to the one in the clinic at all, looking at the painkillers Dr. Yuri prescripted him. He flipped the orange bottle from side to side, hypnotized by the sound it made as the pills hit the inside of the plastic container. 

  
“They are not kicking you out, I guess.” Hansol said, and Yuta just shook his head with a smile. “I’m sorry if what I said caused you not to tell the commander.”   


“Oh no it’s not because of that. I was just-”   


“Too proud?” It was Taeyong’s voice. “Admit it.” Taeyong then sat down on his bed which was across from Yuta’s.   


“Stubborn. Not proud.” Yuta replied, smiling at Taeyong rolling his eyes at him. “But Sehun won’t let me participate in the next two days of training.” His tone turned bitter.

“You literally get two days of rest and you’re upset about it. You little patriotic maniac.”

Taeyong and Yuta laughed at Hansol’s comment as he got up to get ready to sleep.

 

“Taeyong.” Yuta whispered while everyone were already suited in their sleeping bags on the folding beds. Taeyong cracked open one eye, mouthing a  _ What?  _ as a response to Yuta. “Why did you came late to the night break?”   


“The commander wanted to speak with me.”   


“About?”   


“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

 

Anymore?

 

\------

 

During Thursday morning, after Yuta’s last check up at Yuri’s office, he was allowed back to training with the others, receiving a new vest from the commander.   


“How does it feel?” The commander asked, referring to the new costumed vest, fully checked  _ twice _ by Sehun and Yuri.   


“Like a damn feather.” Yuta grinned, bouncing up and down, enjoying his new light vest, until he noticed the commander’s raised eyebrow. “Sir. Like a damn feather, Sir.”   


“Don’t forget your place just because you saw me acting off duty, Private Yuta.”

Yuta just made the formal salute, and kept smiling. “Thank you, Sir.” 

  
Although Yuri insisted he should keep taking the painkillers, he was still allowed back to the regular training, enjoying the new vest too much, skipping like a 14-year-old at a boyband concert as he was given back his Micro and helmet.    
  
“You are way too happy about returning.” Taeyong said, smiling widely as he finally got Yuta back to train with him. The latter’s absence was too noticeable, and Taeyong felt lonely without his back-keeper.   


Seeing Yuta so happy about getting back to the company made Taeyong’s whole day few shades brighter. Yuta was smiling again, like he remembered all over again why he is here for. To protect his people, and that was enough to make Yuta enthusiastic just as if he just enlisted yesterday.    


“Come on, let's go shoot some cardboards.” Yuta said joyfully, mimicking a loading gesture on his Micro.  _ God, he missed it so much. _

 

\-----

 

“Home home home home home home home home home home-” Jaehyun was practically dashing onto the bulletproof shaking bus that parked right outside their training base.   
Just 24 hours after Yuta returned to the training routine, the commander announced they will be let out the base to visit their homes for the weekend. Ten was right after all.   


“I love this bus. This bus is wonderful. I love vehicles. Vehicles are awesome. Especially this vehicle.” Jaehyun kept commenting about the bus he cursed just not two months ago when they were brought to the base for the first time.   


“Oh my god, just sit down, you look a dog taking his first ride in a car.” Taeil facepalmed, hoping he won’t pop a migraine on the way to the headquarters. He already texted Wendy to meet him there and the last thing he wants is to spend his first weekend with her after _ two months  _ high on aspirin and sleeping the headache off. 

 

\------

 

“Which train are you taking?” Yuta asked Taeyong, rearranging his kitbag straps - full of dirty laundry - on his shoulders. Conveniently, the SMA Headquarter’s were located next to a large train station at the Southern county. Yuta lived on the Eastern county, and he knew Taeyong lived at the South, and kind of hoped they would ride the same train home, even if it’s just for ten minutes.    


“Number 556.”   


“Shit, Mine’s 149.”   


“Dude it’s leaving in five minutes, you should hurry.” Taeyong said, eyeing worriedly the trains schedule that flashed in big bright red above the ticket office.

Yuta smiled, looking at the schedule as well. He reached his hand out to Taeyong, and as the latter grabbed it, Yuta pulled him into a quick hug. It was short of course, just a bro-hug.   


“Thanks for everything this week. I don’t know what I would’ve done without your help.”   


“It’s not my fault you almost got yourself killed.”   


“You’re going to be an excellent commander, Taeyong.”

Taeyong’s smile dissipated. “Yeah. Now run to your damn train already!”   


“See you at Monday?” Yuta screamed as he was running towards the platform.   


“Unfortunately!”   


“Fuck you!”   


“Shut up!”

 

\------

 

“YOU SMELL LIKE DEATH.” Hina was covering her nose and mouth the minute her brother walked in their house.    


“Shut up and hug me.” He approached her, still wearing his dirty uniform he was wearing for the past weeks, and started running after her as she shrieked and tried to escape him by running around the dining table.    


“Yuta, Hina, stop that.” His mother ordered as she picked up his kitbag and threw it into the laundry room - she will take care of this chemical bomb after dinner, or she’ll lose her appetite. Mrs. Nakamoto then sighed deeply as she saw her son tackling his sister into the ground at the living room and hugging her forcibly into his chest.   


“I’m  _ dying _ !” She sobbed. “Mom! He is killing me!”   


“What? Can’t I love my sister?”   


“Not when you smell like a pig’s ass!”   


“Yuta get off your sister and go shower. I’ll do the laundry afterwards. Yuta, I’m serious leave Hina alone, or I’m going to puncture your soccer ball from the World Cup event.”    
With this threat, Yuta let go immediately of his suffocating sister, who pretended to drop dead on the floor.   
  
Yuta went up stairs to his room, beaming out of happiness to be at a familiar territory at last. He took off the uniform - and now that he was at a sterilized area such as his home, he could definitely understand what Hina meant when she said  _ a pig’s ass _ \- 19 boys should not be living together in the middle of nowhere. The bruises on his back were starting to get better, and he flopped cheerily on his bed -  _ his _ bed. 

 

He didn’t realize how much he missed his bed, and how much he missed picking on his sister until he actually got to have all that again.    
He almost fell asleep until he heard his older sister screaming his name from downstairs.

 

“Baby brother!” She knocked on his door brutally. “Hina told me you abused her!”   


“Go away Sakura I’m going to shower!”   


“You’ll shower after I kick your ass!”   


Yuta just ignored her calling, and opened the door to make his way to the nearest bathroom, pushing her aside as he locked the door behind him.   


“Oh my god you really do smell like the devil’s toilet.”    


“You and Hina should consider writing a book about insulting the way I smell.” He yelled from under the spray, and for some reason he could actually  _ sense _ Sakura giving him a middle finger from outside the door.

 

_ God, I missed that. _

 

\------

 

The guys from the training company opened a group chat, and for some reason each one of them decided to share a selfie of what they were doing at the moment. Jaehyun was hanging out with his friends, and Hansol just sent a picture of him flipping Jaehyun, because Hansol lived the farthest and was still on his way home through buses. Some sent a photo of them with their families, as well as Yuta, snapping the picture at the exact moment Hina made a derp face.   


“I can’t believe you sent that! I look like a potato!”   


“So, normal.” Yuta said, receiving a slap on the back of his head from his father.   


“Shut it Yuta. Now go sit at the dining table, dinner’s ready.”

 

Yuta kept scrolling through the pictures and texts the guys were exchanging, waiting for one last person to respond as well.    
What was Taeyong doing at the moment?

 

\------

 

“I’m close.” She muttered out, sweat sticking her hair to her forehead as her hands tightened around Taeyong’s back, who was leaving blooming marks on Seulgi’s neck. His breath hitched as well, feeling her moans vibrating through her neck, her legs locking around his waist as he kept moving vigorously in and out of her.    
His bed squeaked when the headboard hit the wall behind it, making Taeyong instinctively grasp it in his hand as he shut his eyes and made his best to concentrate in getting them both off.   
  
Seulgi is a special friend of him. Maybe she is a girlfriend, maybe she is still his fuckbuddy, neither of them ever tried to put labels on what they had. They hang out, they fuck, they cuddle and even talk afterwards, and it’s been a very long two months for both of them.   
  
He hissed as she started scraping her nails over his back, a jolt of pleasure booming through his body as he finally came, Seulgi following half a second later, biting onto her lips sensually and letting out a loud whine.   
Taeyong let his head fall onto the crook of her neck, still not pulling out, while she loosened the grip of her thighs around him, letting her sore legs fall down on the mattress.

 

Still breathing heavily, he raised his head and faced her, his face smitten and cheeks red from post-orgasmic bliss. She cupped his face and brought him up to her, smashing their lips together sensually. He licked over her bottom lip, his fingers brushing affectionately up and down her ribcage, pressing soothing circles into her skin.   
“I don’t think I can leave all that again” he whispered against her lips, groping her hips with both of his hands.   
Seulgi chuckled. “Then take me with you.”   
“And risk you being around horny lonely soldiers? No thank you.” He finally pulled out and tossed the condom, pulling his comforter over both of them as he hugged her from behind, hand still making circles into her skin.

  
Just for two and a half days, he wanted to forget everything about the military, the training, the commander, his teammates. But as he was spooning his  _ girlfriend-lover-fuckbuddy-neighbor-whatever _ , he couldn’t stop himself from thinking if a certain soldier recovered completely from that incident during Tuesday morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, took me a damn while to update. Sorry about that.  
> I hope you liked it!  
> edit: karma is a bitch and after I finished this chapter I got like two hundered typos whie writing the notes. GREAT. 
> 
> Toodles.


	4. The feeling of home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: another pinch of straight smut

 

“I hate this bus.” Jaehyun said in a low tone, throwing his kitbag in the seat next to his. The air was still hot, and again hotter inside the vehicle.   
Monday came by a lot faster then they all expected, dragging their tired legs to the SMA Headquarters just as they were ordered. 

“Last week you said you love this bus.” Taeil tried to tease, only receiving a death glare from where Jaehyun was sulking.

“I don’t want to go back.” It was Yuta’s turn to bitter-out for the lazy poor-managed weekend he had. He went out to practice soccer a little, but he slept through most of the days he had at home.

“Woah, who are you and what did you do to the real Yuta?” Johnny squinted his eyes towards him, visibly suspecting.   
  
Coming back after just two days at home was more tormenting than not returning home at all. It felt as if they were allowed to smell a well-cooked meal but not being able to eat or enjoy it long enough. But when Yuta got a text from Taeyong he’ll meet him at train number 149, he felt a little better not spending the early hours of dawn at a lonely deserted train by himself. At first Yuta was concerned it made Taeyong extend his route to the headquarters, but the latter brushed it off and said it’s alright, so Yuta believed him, drawing them both into a conversation; talking about Yuta’s unwisely spent time.

 

_ “Your weekend seemed to be enjoyable.” Yuta said. _ _   
_

_ “And how would you know?” _ _   
_

_ “You didn’t bother commenting about it in the group chat like everyone else.”  _ _   
_

_ Taeyong chuckled. “You have sharp eyes, Yuta.”  _

_ “Or just common sense.” _ _   
_

_ Taeyong chewed on the inside of his cheek, looking outside the window as the rising sun was lazily pulling itself up from beyond the horizon, coloring the sky in a yellow-ish aura of dawn. He wandered if he should tell him about Seulgi or not. _

_ “I probably should have mentioned it earlier, but I have girlfriend.” Taeyong straightened in his seat. “Well, not really a girlfriend. We used to be together, and now it’s just meeting each other once in awhile to-” He looked upwards, like he was trying to find the right words on the train’s ceiling. “-to disengage from life and others, I guess.” _ _   
_

_ “You never told me that.” Yuta was half smiling, a little taken aback from his friend’s confession. As much as they were talking ninety percent of their time at the training base, they were yet to talk about their romantic aspect of life. _

_ “It never popped up.” _ _   
_

_ “It does now.”  _

_ Before they could continue Taeyong’s life saga, the announcer declared they reached their destination at the SMA headquarters. _

 

_ \------ _

 

“We met in the first year of high school. She was the prettiest girl in class.” Taeyong was telling Yuta as they were on a guarding shift the following weekend, the subject  _ popping _ naturally during their night shift at the shooting range. “I asked her out. She said yes.”   


“And?” Yuta was motioning him with his hand to go on.   


“And nothing. We were a couple and now we aren’t.”

“But you’re still screwing.”   


“Yeah.”   


Taeyong sighed and leaned against the concrete wall, his helmet-covered head resting uncomfortably on the solid cold surface. The temperature was starting to drop as autumn was about to come and take over the hot atmosphere. He decided to take the risk and sit on the ground, hoping the commander won’t show up anytime soon.    


“I have a lot of things to regret about with Seulgi.” Taeyong breathed out as Yuta was sliding against the wall as well to sit across from him, captured in his gaze. “I cheated on her countless times. She knew all along and I didn't care.”   
  
Yuta kept being silent. After two months of talking and sharing this is the first time he felt Taeyong speak sincerely, letting past emotions flow through his brain and out of his mouth to the air.   


“It was starting to become weird after a year or so. Her friends told her I was a jerk and that she should leave me. And they were right, I  _ am  _ a jerk.”

He started tapping on his rifle. “The relationship just started to get more and more dull. Undeep, shallow lifeless relationship. And then it just became a habit - I’d meet other girls, she’d meet other guys, but eventually we ended together in bed. There was nothing really left for us to develope other than good sex. We know each other best, so it’s more convenient that way.”

Taeyong’s expression grew darker, his fingers left the rifle and were playing unconsciously with the sand grains as he chuckled bitterly.   
  
“Usually now comes the part where I give you advice,” Yuta started talking, trying to meet Taeyong’s eyes once more. “But it sounds like you don’t want to solve this problem.”

 

\------

 

“Guys!” Johnny burged in their residence, unusually late, slamming the door open and closing it with much force afterwards. “Sehun just told me he is giving a recommendation about me to the headquarters to join the commanding course!”

 

Between the fuss and cheering the tall soldier got at his declaration, Yuta could notice Taeyong was forcing a smile.

After the bustling noise the recruits were making for Johnny, Yuta and Taeyong sat outside the structure; It was becoming natural for the two of them distance themselves from the others, finding each other more understanding when it came to figuring and expressing.   
  
“I am not judging Johnny’s commending abilities,” Yuta said. “He has charisma and a loud voice, a great shooter too.”

Taeyong already knew where this was going. “I  _ was  _ offered by Sehun to be recommended to the headquarters.”

“If you declined it I swear I’m gonna punch y-”

“I didn’t.  _ He  _ did.”

“I don’t understand.”

Sighing exaggeratedly, Taeyong let his hand run over the ground, scratching the concrete under his fingernails. “The day you collapsed,” Taeyong looked away. “I told the commander I already knew you were in a bad condition. My recommendation was still conditional and my actions were tested. So, when Sehun realized I put one of his soldiers in a life risking state, he just screamed at me for being irresponsible. And of course, unfitting for the commending course.”

“But-”

“No ‘but’. I just wasn’t found fitted. That’s all.”

They both knew it wasn’t all.    
Yuta was angry. At himself for letting Taeyong’s opportunity to be an actual commander at the regiment slip away. At Sehun for over reacting. At Taeyong, for letting such a stupid mistake give up his odds to get in the course he fits the most.

“Stop blaming yourself.” Taeyong said. Yuta looked at him with his eyebrows furrowed, captured into Taeyong reassuring stare. “I know you have this weird self-pitying and scolding way of thinking.”   


“Maybe that’s the problem. You know so much about me, we talk everyday, all day, but yesterday was the first time you opened up about your life outside the military service.” Yuta spoke up. “I don’t really know who Lee Taeyong really is, so how can I even help him?” 

Taeyong just let his head drop into his hands, shifting in his spot before raising his head back up to look at the stars that were twinkling in the dark sky, far away and unaware of the complex lives of the humans down here.

“Lee Taeyong is a loser.”

Yuta just grabbed him and embraced him in a tight hug. It was different from all the short-timed hugs they had so far. This one was longer, tighter. Yuta could feel the latter’s hand grasping the back of his shirt, scratching a little the rough sensitive skin of Yuta’s back by accident, but Yuta didn’t care. For a change, it’s not about  _ his  _ pain.   
  
With the training becoming more intense than ever, Both of them will need the mental power to deal with the rushed mercilessly pace of the next following months. The outer world really didn’t matter at the point; maybe Taeyong did right by not talking about his life.

If it was better for him to keep it all inside, Yuta shouldn’t have pressed those buttons on Taeyong’s soul. He just hoped to see Taeyong fully someday, maybe when the training is over, maybe when things won’t be as tiring as they are now.   
Yuta pulled away, forcing Taeyong to let go of his shirt. They looked into each other’s eyes, with Taeyong’s irises shaking, maybe from the cold, hand brushing lazily from Yuta’s back back to its place next to Taeyong’s side. 

Yuta swears he felt like being sucked into a black hole just by looking at Taeyong’s eyes from up close.

 

\------

  
  


The training sessions progressed more and more as the weeks flew by, and autumn was sinking down on the SuMan counties as it brought chilling atmosphere along with it -The recruits were provided proper clothing to prepare them for the upcoming winter.   
  
It was raining hard when the commander shouted orders from where he stood, trying as hard as he could to overcome the sound of the thunders and the raindrops hitting the ground and the recruits he was yelling at, crawling their ways down under a surface that was covered in barbed wire, penetrating at every exposed patch of skin they had, face and body already soiled with cold mud that stuck to them with every powerful move they had to make under the shed of rusted metal thorns.   
  
Yuta heard a shout from behind as they all were approaching the end of the barbed wire, recognizing it as one his teammates voice. He was about to try and crawl back to see what happened, but before he could even make up his mind how to turn around, Yuta already saw Taeyong reaching the soldier first, latching his hands on the thorns that hooked into the soldier’s collar, puncturing the back of his neck as well.   


Taeyong fingers fumbled with the metal spikes, and his steady breathing helped the struggling teammate calm himself down. Two of Taeyong’s fingers were deeply cut at the process, but he was able to release to soldier from the wire, both making their way out the thorned low shed.   
  
It wasn’t obvious for Taeyong to keep trying so hard to show his responsible actions and behavior. As if it would grant him being recommended by Sehun again.   
But he didn’t do it to gain praises from his training company or impress the commander; he did because he should, because he needs to do it in order to let himself sink in this illusion that he  _ matters  _ to someone.

 

They were all marching as a group behind the commander, gripping their assault rifles as he showed them the way they should take in order to gain advantage at a battlefield - leading them into another muddy hill and ordering them to take knee or lie down, each recruit could choose which position he shoots the best.

 

Yuta and Taeyong lied next to each other, aiming their shotguns at the distant targets, which were tin barrels located about hundred meters away.   
It was difficult to see what they were actually shooting at in the pouring rain that blinded their sight partly.   


“Don’t press the trigger too hard, Private.” 

Sehun crouched down next to Taeyong, holding his trembling fingers in place in order to help him calm down. It was the same bleeding fingers from few minutes ago, wounds still open as the rain washed every drop of blood that made its way out of the cuts.

It was painful to concentrate on shooting the target, reload as fast as he could and swallow down the jolt of pain that shot up from his bleeding cuts.   
  
Yuta was already reloading his third cartridge when he noticed Taeyong was only finishing his first one, trembling hands trying to pull the trigger with the least force he could. Without a doubt, Yuta laid down his Micro, grabbing the latter’s rifle as he snatched another cartridge from his vest as well, stuffing it in the shotgun and charging.   
Taeyong’s eyes were puffed and red tiny veins crowned the white of his eyes when Yuta handed him the rifles just as fast as he took it from him.

 

\------

 

It’s been another month since they returned to the training base, starting the last week of October.

“I don’t know what’s worse, the summer or the winter.” Jaehyun (who else) was complaining about the season, munching at the  _ thing  _ he had on his plastic fork. After a few weeks of eating just that, the aftertaste of the  _ thing  _ wasn’t as bad as they first thought it was.   


“It’s not even winter yet, moron.” Doyoung responded.   
  
It was another Thursday evening, just after Sehun announced that this weekend they will be let out of the base as well. And dinner never looked so appealing as it was right now.   


“Wait,” Hansol spoke up. “Isn’t it your birthday or something?” he elbowed Yuta who sat next to him, his plate already clean.   


“No.” Yuta took a sip from his water bottle. “It was yesterday.” 

Yuta’s nonchalant answer is what made everyone eye him with confusion laced in their expression. Taeyong just blatantly stared at him, his grip on his the plastic fork tightening,   
  
“WHY DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING YOU STUPID PATRIOTIC MANIAC.” Johnny was making a fuss over the news as if it was a tragedy.   
  
“Because I knew you would probably throw a cake or something in my face if I did.”   
  
“But we don’t have a cake anyway.”   
  
“Maybe.” Ten said, putting down his plastic utensil, grabbing his plate in his right hand.   
  
“What are you doing?” Yuta flinched back, standing up and stepping backwards as Ten was walking towards him with the  _ thing  _ still in his plate.

“Happy birthday, idiot!” and Yuta could barely dodge to plate being thrown at his face.   
  
“You are insane!” Yuta declared smiling, wiping one of his cheeks, as some of the  _ thing  _ landed on it.   
  
“We missed your birthday anyway, so let’s just agree to bring you an actual gift when we get back here on monday.” Hansol said.

  
  


\------

  
They all wrapped up, preparing for evening exercise outside with the commander.   


“Why didn’t you tell me?” Taeyong asked Yuta on their way out. “That it was your birthday.”   


“It never popped up.”

 

\------

 

“Are you taking number 149 again?” Taeyong asked. He and Yuta sat on the train station after being dropped there by the bus from the training base, hiding from the rain under a shed at the platform.   
  
“Do you know another train that takes me to the eastern county?”   
  
Taeyong pursed his lips. “Why are you being so salty? Ever since I told you about the commanding course you are just bitching at me.”   


The thing is, Yuta really was upset about Taeyong giving up to himself. Yuta was also angry at him for not letting him get inside his mind, share with him more than simple small-talks at the guarding shifts. But is it worth seeing Taeyong shattering piece by piece with every day that passed?   
  
“I’m sorry.” Is all Yuta could say.   
  
“You know you are my best friend, right?” Taeyong tried to catch Yuta’s eyes with his own, succeeding after few second. “There is no one that would do for me even half of what you did through the past three months.”

Yuta was smiling, his eyes turning into small joyful crescents. If the sun was out, Taeyong could swear it would reflect from his teeth and blind him. Even soaked from the pouring rain, Yuta was  _ beaming _ .

“I know.” He answered shortly, earning a light pound on his shoulder from Taeyong’s fist; two of his fingers professionally bandaged, courtesy of Lt. Kwon.   
  
“Are you going to meet her this weekend, too?” Yuta asked, raising his voice a little as a train was exhilarating out of the station.

“Yeah. I texted her to meet at my house.”

“And that’s all you’re going to do this weekend?”

“Like you have something better to do other than sleeping, you can’t even kick a ball in this weather.”   
  
They kept on talking at the train station, voices fighting to overcome the raindrops that clashed loudly on the shed at the platform. Yuta almost missed his train because he was too deep in the conversation, eager to learn more about the latter.

  
“Text me when you get on your train.” Yuta said as he was running with his kitbag on his back, barely entering through the automatic doors before they closed with a quiet thud.   


He sighed in relief when he got a text with a thumbs up emoticon from Taeyong not even ten minutes later.

  
  
  


\------ 

  
  


Seulgi was caressing Taeyong’s grey locks, slowly grasping the strands in a firm grip as his tongue was doing wonders in between her legs. She had her legs over his shoulders, with Taeyong’s hands holding onto her thighs, curling over them as his fingernails were digging into her soft skin.

Taeyong’s room was stuffy, with the window’s curtains closed, only a dim light from a lamp on his nightstand was illuminating Seulgi’s facial features, biting her bottom lip and trying to hold back a moan, her head pushed into his pillow.   


“Taeyong,” She said in low tone. “Can I talk to you about something?”

He stopped slowly, looking up at her. “Right now?” Taeyong said with half a smirk, hoping she would change her mind, ducking his head back again to run his tongue over her clit.

“Yes.” She said, almost unaffected.

“Then you need to choose. I can’t eat you out and talk at the same time.”

“I want to talk.”

Taeyong sighed tiredly, resting his forehead on her thigh before kissing it and straightening himself to sit on his heels, hands on her hips.

She sat up the bed as well, closing her legs as she was sitting in a mermaid position, knees bent and feet thrown to the side of her body. As Taeyong was still wearing his jeans, she suddenly seemed very conscious about herself being naked, covering her chest with her long wavy hair.   
  
“We should stop seeing each other.”

Taeyong only blinked at her words stupidly. 

“And  _ that  _ couldn’t wait until we’re done?”   


He knew he should be sad or show any sign of confusion, but the truth is; he was not afraid Seulgi we’ll go away. He knows she always comes back, always the only one left.

“No it couldn’t.” She swallowed against her dry throat. “And I mean it. I’m not going to come back.”

Taeyong ran a hand in his messy hair, puffing the air out of his lungs. “Is it because of your friends again?”

“Maybe.”

It’s not the first time Taeyong hears her friends talk about him like that. They are not wrong, although Taeyong would never admit it to her; she deserves something better than a shallow friends-with-benefits relationship like the one she has with him.

“They are idiots.”  _ they aren’t _ .

“It’s not just about the ‘ _ you _ ’ from two years ago, so chill.”

Her tone became more aggressive, her hand reaching up to her breasts and covering them, looking aways from him as she was fidgeting a little far up the bed, breaking physical contact.

“You remember I’m enlisting as well next week, do you?” He didn’t. “I don’t want to bring whatever we have to my military service.”   
  
Taeyong looked at her with hooded lids and half parted lips. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to throw a hissy fit and beg her to keep whatever they had. Taeyong’s hands were scratching into his own jeans, looking for something to fondle with before he’d chew his cheek off.   
Seulgi then grabbed one of his hands with her’s, playing with his palm with the pads of her fingers.

Her hand then trailed up to his wrist as Taeyong’s gaze followed her movements. Seulgi’s fingers were brushing like butterflies over Taeyong’s body, from the waistband of his jeans up to his abdomen, chest and collarbone. When she reached his neck, he clenched his jaw when she pressed on a light bruise he had on his nape, partly from the vest’s weight and partly from her mouth earlier this evening.

Taeyong closed his eyes, letting Seulgi do whatever she desired to as he could sense her weight was shifting on the mattress, changing position. When he felt her breath on his face, he lazily opened his eyes, looking directly into her irises. She was sitting on her knees, back straight and hands snaking around Taeyong’s neck.

Taeyong had to crane his neck a little to meet her lips with his, letting his hands circle her waist as he pulled her closer to him.   
  
They kissed hungrily, a mess of lips and teeth and tongues sliding against each other. Seulgi was a quivering mess, gasping and moaning quietly with every touch of Taeyong’s body against hers, pressing her pelvis onto his clothed erection.    
It was when Taeyong sucked at her nape, stroking her hair strands away to expose more of her to him when she whispered coarsely into his ear, “Fuck me.”

He pulled away to look at her face, lips red and swollen, eyes glassy and her cheekbones decorated with fading crimson blush.

“Fuck me until you won’t miss me anymore.”

  
But Taeyong knew how to comply only the first part.

 

\------

 

Yuta was sitting with his family in their living room, half watching a game show on the television screen and half listening to Hina ranting about how high school is “suckish”. He swears he could punch her for complaining about such minor things.

 

Yuta’s train of thought was interrupted by his phone buzzing on the couch he was sitting on, opening the notification that popped on the screen.

 

**From: Taeyong**

_   Problem solved _ .

  
There were only few options for the meaning of this text, and Yuta didn’t know which would hurt Taeyong the most.   
It’s whether he and Seulgi decided to continue their shallow benefitted relationship, or maybe they came to conclusion that being together as they are right now is a mistake after all.    


But there is also the third option, that for some reason Yuta wanted to think it’s not the right answer - the option that they made up their minds to try all over again; that they actually love each other.

Yuta excused himself from the living room,  going upstairs to his room as he pressed the green dialing button.

“I knew you’d call.” Those were the first words Yuta heard from after waiting four rings.

“Huh, You know everything.”

Taeyong just chuckled, inhaling and exhaling audibly.

 

\------

 

Taeyong was standing outside on his house’s balcony at the second floor with his phone pressed to his ear. The rain subsided, but was still pouring loudly on the sunshade above his head, that now converted into a shelter from the cold rain.

Taeyong was still shirtless, only his unbuttoned jeans covering his legs from the unforgiving breeze that brushed through his messy strands as he inhaled once more from his cigarette, dusting it over the ledge he was leaning his elbows on. He usually doesn’t smoke, and he always promises himself it’s the last one, until comes another.   
  
“What are you doing right now?”

“Outside at my porch,” Taeyong responded as he exhaled, “Smoking.”

“I didn’t know you smoke.” Yuta tried to sound surprised, but Yuta is a terrible liar.

“I’m not, only after.” He played with the cigarette between his fingers, letting the grey waves of ash mix with the breeze that surrounded him.

“I see.” Something clenched at Yuta’s chest, he didn’t know what or why, as he felt his breath hitching as if he was the one smoking.  “I’d take a quick guess and say you came back together.”   
  
Taeyong blew another puff of smoke out of his lungs. “No.”

“But you just said you and her… you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Then nothing changed?”

“Everything changed, actually.” Taeyong swallowed, feeling the bitter taste of smoke against his tongue and then down his throat. “She dumped me.”   
  
Silence.

“I’m sorry.” Is all Yuta could mutter out.

Taeyong was about to respond he shouldn’t be, until he heard footsteps approaching the sliding door behind him. “She’s waking up, I have to go.”   


“Alright. See you on monday.”

“Unfortunately.”

“Fuck off.”   


  
Taeyong laughed at his best friend’s response, ending the call as he turned off the dying cigarette on the ledge and throwing it somewhere down from the porch. When he turned around he met Seulgi’s eyes, her lips pressed into a thin line and her expression almost unreadable. She had her clothes on, and her hands grasped at her shoes she was holding.

“Why aren’t you leaving?” His tone was deeper than usual.

“Put on a hoodie or something. You are going to catch a cold.” She said, avoiding answering his question.

“Since when you care?”

“Since you  _ didn’t _ .”

He gulped, leaning his lower back against the ledge. “I always cared.”  _ A lie _ .

“You had an odd way of showing it.” 

The air between them was tensed, almost as if they were standing on different mountains, but still managing to look into the other’s dark absorbing orbs. When she cleared her throat audibly it was as if a plane crossed between those two mountains, breaking their unofficial staring contest.   
  
“You were really good today, just so you know. Exceptionally good.”

“What can I say, I wasn’t doing anything different than any other day. I guess the last treat always tastes better than the rest of the package.”   
  
And then she turned away, stepping away from the door back into the house, walking down the stairs to the entrance.   


Suddenly Taeyong felt the urge to light up another cigarette, fishing the little white package out his pocket as he searched for his lighter as well.

When the taste of smoke traced down his lungs and back up and out of his mouth, Taeyong took out his phone, dialing regretfully to an almost unfamiliar character in his life.   
  
All five of his tries were declined, reaching straight to voicemail. At the sixth try, he waited a few seconds until the shrieking  _ beep  _ was echoing against his ear shell.

“Hey, remember me? I’m your fucking son. Please call me when you have the ti-” His voice cracked and vibrated, shaky breathes leaving his mouth as he ended the call while he was gritting his teeth.

Taeyong just wished weekends will never come again.   
Because home doesn’t feel like it’s where he should be right now.

 

\------

 

The weeks in the training base flew by, reaching to yet another tormenting peak when snow started to fall, covering the training fields in a thin layer of Christmas aura.

The temperature started to drop to zero and even below at nights, making the recruits and the commander layer themselves in few more warmer camouflaged clothes.

 

It was two days before Christmas eve, Yuta and Taeyong standing at the guarding shift with at least five layers of light or pale green clothes, looking almost like walking bushes.

They had their gloves on too, only the tip of every finger peering at the end of its woolen fabric.

Taeyong was tapping a familiar beat on the metallic rifle, puffing little clouds of warm air out of his lungs into the freezing atmosphere of the training base.

 

As Taeyong promised (with Yuta persistent nagging) he tried his best to show a little bit more of his life outside the military service.

Yuta came to know that Taeyong’s father works for a big company as a CEO, and he has a lot of meetings abroad.  _ A lot _ .

 

“When was the last time you saw him?” Yuta tried to make a snow-angel with his boot, resulting in a snow-potato instead.

Taeyong looked upwards at the heavy clouds, counting.

“If we enlisted in July then… five months? Six months ago? Not sure.“

Taeyong looked pretty satisfied with his answer until he looked at Yuta, his mouth gaping and his boot stopped from working on its masterpiece.

 

“You haven't seen your  _ dad _ for six  _ months _ ?”

“Yeah. Why the surprised tone?”

“Because- I mean- Come on, you are his only child.”

“That's how  _ my _ family works. Not all families are alike.” and suddenly Yuta felt as if he was reading this horribly long book about a tragic russian family written by Tolstoy. This book almost made him fail Literature.

“Is he coming back for Christmas?”

Taeyong laughed. “No.”

“So are you spending the holiday alone?”

“I'm not going to be alone.” Taeyong kicked the snow at the ground near his leg, revealing a little patch of dirt. “I’ll ask the commander to spend it here, I heard Lt. Kwon is staying too. I'm going to just sleep all day until you guys return.”

“One day I'm seriously going to punch you.”

Yuta sighed, shoving Taeyong with his hand. “You can spend it with my family.”

“At your house?”

“No, at my barnyard.” Yuta rolled his eyes. “Yes, at my house, it has walls and stuff, maybe even Sakura will honor us with her presence this year.”

“I-I don't want to be a bother…”

“You are  _ not  _ a bother. You are spending Christmas out of this dump.”

Taeyong hesitated before nodding, reliving Yuta’s response.

 

_ You are not a bother. _

 

\------

 

Yuta’s house was loud and warm when Taeyong stepped inside, mimicking his friend's actions as he took off his boots and threw the kitbag next to the entrance.

Taeyang usually did his laundry himself, but before he could say anything to Yuta, the latter was ambushed by his family.

 

Yuta’s house looked very… cozy. They had a big-but-not-too-big living room, with two medium and large couches surrounding a small table that had dozens of newspapers and wrapped gifts on it.

The floor was wooden, very conflicted to the marble tiles Taeyong had at his house - and he could already smell dinner being cooked at the similarly cozy kitchen, filled and riled up with pans and pots and some foreign ingredients and spices he couldn't recognize.

 

Yuta suddenly felt awkward leaving Taeyong behind, unintroduced.

“And this is Taeyong,” he gestured to his friend. “the one I told you about.”

 

Mrs. Nakamoto was the first to greet him, following Mr. Nakamoto and his younger sister Hina.

“Sup’, baby broth-” Sakura was marching down the stairs to give Yuta a proper holiday-smack, until she put her eyes on an unfamiliar guest. “And what did  _ you bring _ ?”

“And that’s Sakura.”

“I could figure.”

Sakura just stuck her tongue out at Yuta, who returned the gesture.

Taeyong smiled.

 

It was breathtakingly pleasant how inviting Yuta’s home was in comparison to his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was meant to be twice longer, but i just can seem to write for awhile.  
> Hope you like it!  
> Toodles


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